A swath of greys and browns make up his unremarkable wardrobe. However, like all Nogrim, his pallor and eyes are almost a corpselike white. Black veins lurk about his features but are seemingly out of place with a pleasant smile and natural charm.
I been told to keep a jurnel. My gardien is stupid. All we do is pick rocks. We look at rocks, we throw rocks in the piel, look for different rocks. It’s dumb, I don’t see why we write about it.
Tarxel"Vaztru"Gath told me today about why I do things. Things that I think are wrong. It’s hard, I keep getting into trouble. I don’t know why I do them, I know it’s bad, but I keep hitting people. I hit Vazra"Craht"Lazd and she was mad at me. I said I was sorry but she didn’t believe me. My guardian said our people are cursed. It’s not my fault, it’s not anyone’s fault. At least no one alive. We’re supposed to suffer for the pain our ancestors caused. I hate my ancestors. I hate feeling like this, why do I have to deal with it?
Today Vazra"Craht"Lazd slipped in the mine. She fell down far into the shaft, I was pretty sure she broke her leg. Afterwards, Tarxel"Vaztru"Gath told me I was an idiot for not getting help, but I wasn’t thinking. I just felt myself moving, tying a rope, tying it to myself, and slowly moving down the shaft just being careful so I didn’t slip. She was hurt pretty bad, I think she was saying some things, but I don’t remember, I just remember picking her up and trying to pull us both up. It was so hard and so far, she kept trying to keep her weight off her leg and trying to help me climb. I don’t think I would have made it myself. At one point though we slipped again and I grabbed her arm real quick, before I could even think. For some reason I remembered her being mad at me and for a second, a split second, I thought I should just let go. I got angry at myself, that wasn’t me talking, that wasn’t me at all! Damn my brain! Why do I keep thinking these things? I’m better than this! Tarxel"Vaztru"Gath is stronger than it. I always see him smiling. I think he’s mastered it or something.
I will be better than this I will control myself. When I got her out of the hole and onto safer ground I vowed never to be bested by my corruption. I swore it on my blood.
My training is coming along, Tarxel"Vaztru"Gath has shown me his methods of control over what he calls “phantom thoughts”. Thoughts left over from our damned ancestors. I don’t want to dissapoint him and it just seems like the voice of my phantom is so strong. But I must get better, I have to beat it. I have to win.
Gone… it’s all gone… my life is in shambles. There’s just no way, just no way. I put in the supports myself, they were strong. They could have held forever, but they just give way? No, that can’t be. I know the mine, I know it there wasn’t any danger. Something’s wrong so wrong. Why the fuck did they all have to die? It just doesn’t make any sense! I just can’t… think… I can’t… I can’t do anything. Vazra"Craht"Lazd told me we need to keep it together, but what the fuck does she know? She didn’t know Tarxel"Vaztru"Gath like I did. He was gonna make me better what do I have now? Now that the mine has collapsed, my life, my hopes, my dreams have all collapsed with it.
A Nogrim came to me. His presence made me shiver; I couldn’t see his face, but I could feel him staring at me. Not just me, but the dark me.
He told me his name was “Night” in the common tongue. I just looked at him in the brightest darkness of the moon. I believed him. “Night” isn’t a Nogrim name at all, but I wasn’t going to argue with him.
He told me what happened to the mine. What really happened to the mine. That some fat pompous bastard sitting in his fat pompous bed decided there was more profit to be had from collapsing the mine instead of letting his Vassals mine the ore. Ore to an almost empty mine. He didn’t seem to care that all of his people were trapped in it when he forced it to cave in using some sort of magic I didn’t understand.
I was going to kill that bastard
And you know what else Night told me? He told me how.
If I was to agree to his terms I was to meet him by the Gzul"Rex"Alam ruins tomorrow at midnight. I’m on my way there now. I left Vazra"Craht"Lazd my rations without a word. She’s bigger than me, she can take care of herself. Besides, I’m the one with the score to settle.
His name was “Knight” not “Night” I was to be “Rook” from now on and to forget that I was ever Kazim"Draxhuld"Kilare. The Nogrim have sealed the evil inside of them and their names are a representation of the evil being sealed. We wouldn’t have that. Bishop told me that after tonight I would no longer be a true Nogrim and therefore, outside Nogrim society, we would have no need for such names. A ritual I was going to take part in was going to purge me of that evil, of my phantom thoughts. After tonight, I was going to be better.
I see death. I have seen death. I have seen the shadowfell. It is a bleak and mournful place. The ritual worked. The smoke formed in front of me from the lines of the circle, it danced with a cadence that was both playful and malign. It asked me my name and it took something from me, I didn’t realize it at the time but it took the phantom, it had plagued me for so long, I could feel it as a weight lifted. It hurt. It hurt a good deal. As much as it hurt, like my innards just got sucked out from a pinpoint in my stomach, it was a relief. The smoke was in my nostrils, pulling faintly vibrant fibers through my mouth, my ears, my fingertips. It snapped away and the pain was gone. The smoke, however, wasn’t done. It bubbled up and roiled and poured itself through my eyes, My shutting them stopped nothing, it pulled my eyelids away and sucked itself into my skull, just behind my eyes. My eyes itched for a long time after that but they said it would go away. It eventually did.
I feel great now, I feel like I’m no longer constrained. I feel… like I should.
I’ve had practice now, I know the steps and I know the ways through the shadow. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never seen the “Ways” between spaces. Just know that when you take that path, it’s like falling, only without wind. I can also see small strands of fate that I am compelled to. I’ve also felt them on me. It is not pleasant.
I know that now we do the good work. We do the work society shudders to think of but knows that it’s best. We dirty our hands so that others don’t have to. After all, we are in control of ourselves, it’s best we do it anyway.
Tonight is the night.
Oh sweet earth! His blood, his blood was everywhere! I felt it, I felt his life leaving! I felt it ebbing away from him and channeling through me. When a person dies, it creates a slight pressure from the shadowfell, it builds and builds through me and when the soul finally gives up the fight it floods head with such euphoria! I’ve never felt anything like it! It’s greater than anything. Greater than any night at the whore house, I’ll tell you what. Now you might tell me I’d been having the bad whores, but I’m gonna tell you something. Death is better than the best of them. It eats all.
It’s too good. I knew it was too good. The shadowfell gave me something back. It wasn’t just taking the bad parts, it was making “me” the bad part. I lust after death. That’s not what my guardian had taught me, he’d be ashamed of me. Every night I kill it’s like the first night, but I’m not so sure my targets are exactly bad guys anymore. I’ve barely heard of any of them but this one guy had a family. He had a family. Now death has him. I was sloppy though, I pegged him good but he wasn’t giving up without creating a racket. I’d run him through, and he just reacted, he knocked down everything in front of him as he fell to his knees. He slumped to the ground and I waited there for him to die. To savor the moment. As I wait there to indulge I see a girl there in the doorway, her white eyes bulging at me. It was then I was hit by the wave and I soon vanished, the girl in the small frock stuck in my memory.
I am leaving this place. I can no longer place my trust in their morals, they are just as broken as I. Pawn will have to learn to fend for himself from now on. I must set my sights on something else, something where I don’t feel like I’m part of a cog of a big death machine. I want something where I decide what I want for myself. I have a dark gift that I can’t let go to waste, I just have to direct it in a more noble realm. I know myself pretty well by now, I can’t stop killing. I just have to make sure people deserve it.